The Force Is Still Not With Me

I completed my 8km today in an abysmal timing, about 2 minutes off my personal best.

Which got me thinking during my slow cool-down walk back home what I have become ever since I started this new phase of my life. It's been 3 months (thereabouts) since I left NS to start my MOPEX, and it's been a mixed bag of ups and downs. Firstly was the topsy-turvy schedule that make training routines difficult to plan. In addition I no longer have protected weekends and public holidays to dedicate to training, so I had to scrimp time before (or after) work to do some form of workout. Add to the fact an ED posting isn't exactly a walk in the park, I often head home exhausted (and frequently dozing away on the MRT) and trying to repay my sleep debt.

The next big thing which happened was MCEM A, an exam that literally sucked my life away. You train to feel guilty that you are not studying, and you study to feel bad that you are not training. I never knew dilemmas could be so painful. Either way, I knew $1.1k was too much money to wash down the drain, so I studied so I could pass, and left workout to a later time. I passed MCEM A, but I lost 3kg.

I felt the brunt of this 3kg loss ever since I attempted to get back to my training routine. I don't carry the same weights I used to carry, I don't erg the same timing I used to erg, and I don't run the same speed I used to run. I was, all in all, lousier.

And feeling lousy can affect you in more ways than one. I realised recently that I was grumpier at work, and would be more critical if things didn't go my way. I would get discretely angry at patients who insists on AOR, or outwardly enraged at NSFs who tell me they have PR bleed (on top of their 1/52 old URTI + GE + knee pain + shoulder stiffness) but refuse a PR.

I urgently need an inspiration. Invicitus almost did the trick. But the actors did the Haka so meekly I almost laughed. I need something to pull me out of my couch so I would hit the gym rather than watch History Channel. Something that will scream at me to push myself harder rather than give in to the lazy-bugger excuse that "I am too tired after work".

If only Yoda was around.

Yet at the same time, I count my blessings. I thank my seniors for their guidance, and always looking out for procedures to take me through, and interesting cases for me to see. I truly appreciate it. Sadly I think I lack the mental tenacity to perform well at so many commitments on my plate. I sometimes wish I could be like John who just ride so carefreely after work with his prized bikes, and thoroughly enjoying himself in the process. But I can't. Dragon boat is a team sport and the team is, as cliched as this sounds, as strong as her weakest member. I have to keep up with standards, and I cannot let my team down.

So I sit down in front of my laptop after my run, to pen all these thoughts that ran (no pun intended) through my head just a few minutes ago, in hopes that I can find my inspiration soon.

Perhaps I need to read The Monk who Sold His Ferrari again. For the third time.